The tone & topics of Trait Hate may seem dark and negative. The word ‘Hate’ certainly assists that first impression. But the idea here isn’t about self-hate or hate directed at others. This is not wallowing. It’s not a back bank memory trawl just to ruminate on the saddest stuff in there. This isn’t about chasing masochistic kicks or feeding a pity addiction. This for me is therapy.
Letting the inside out makes a difference. Allowing space to describe a fear or a feeling and maybe even trace it back to its potential origin can provide a new relationship with an old wound. Even if it doesn’t outright remove the hurt or memory, seeing something old from a new angle for the first time can dramatically alter the dynamic forever and even take its controlling power away. Instead of seeing just the thing that hurt which you remember as the whole situation but was only ever one part of it, when you see the rest that was around that one part, you begin to see the full picture. Or at least a lot more of it. Which then gives back more space to be more you in the moment that matters most. Now.
No shit, Sherlock.
None of this is revelatory. It’s not some new take. It’s well known and been well applied. Universal in nature really. Replay your story, feel the feeling, see the image attached that expresses that feeling or personal attitude and extract the meaning that comes to the surface. A lot of the time most of this is done for you. By you. Almost automatically.
So much of the Trait Hate content came about this way. Probably 90% was spontaneous in origin and very fast to surface. I am just one more voice in the billions of cells making up this collective organism we are all a part of. We each have our own way of saying what we’re seeing, whether that’s outside or in. That’s if we are trying to say what we see. And that’s only if we’re trying to see it. Trait Hate is my way of describing my less than pleasant inner world. One which I only started paying proper attention to about four years ago.
Trait Hate is a very personal project but I’m probably not the only one that has thought or felt or seen this way. And maybe for you, you have felt something similar but possibly didn’t think about it consciously. Or you did think it but never had the words to describe it. Or they didn’t seem to convey adequately what you wanted them to say. Maybe something here sums up what you struggled to. In one sense that’s great and in another it doesn’t matter. What matters is acknowledging what you feel and understanding why. And it helps more when someone says something in a way that tells you you’re not the only one that’s felt that way or had that thought or seen it like that. I really hope Trait Hate can be that for even just a few people. And if it does, I'd love to hear anything you have to share.
Trait Hate is a creative way to own the attitudes & aspects of my personality that I was not particularly comfortable with. An additional way to force a shift in that area of my latent self. Another way to pull the thread to see where it started and why. Maybe to put some guilt or shame to bed or at least to lie there with it longer than I had previously allowed myself. And if I’m really lucky, Trait Hate could be an extra way to grow a better me. To find the rest of me that’s been blocked behind traits worth hating but that had every reason for getting in the way to begin with. Then by sharing my shit - maybe just maybe - it can somehow inspire or unlock some similar needs for someone else out there. Or maybe I’m just more fucked up than I realised in my own unique way and Trait Hate is a vivid demo of that.
This might get messy
So feel free to have a dig into my shadows and see what you find. Maybe echos of some fear or complex you’re also familiar with. If that happens and you resist the impulse to hit the Stop button and instead push on, it could get uncomfortable. You might feel triggered. You might even find yourself, like me, spending more time than usual face to face with the uglier and more vulnerable side of yourself as a result. And that, believe it or not, is a good thing. Might feel hectic at first but facing down your full self, including the douchebag in the shadows, is critical to taking back the wheel of your own life 100% of the time. No more carrying your shadow self around everywhere you go like a monster on your back – and a lot of the time, you the one being carried.
I can definitely vouch for the other half of this dark ride being lighter, smoother and continually opening on to an ever expanding space to grow the rest of the self that has been stalled and stunted all these years as a result of the unconscious hate. It pays to own yourself. All of yourself.
Trait yourself.